I was considerably exercised as to what to give up for Lent this year.

I had mooted giving up using the Internet, but realised that I simply don't have sufficient self-control to keep it up for six weeks, so I came up with an idea.

I would not allow myself to use the Internet until I had done at least an hour's writing.

I didn't start on Wednesday because I hadn't decided what to do, but since Thursday, when I did two hours to make up for Wednesday,  I've been doing  a minimum of an hour's writing every day before going on the Internet, and  I was feeling quite pleased with myself.

Last night, however, I was lying in bed thinking about Lent and suddenly realised that while my little scheme might be enabling (or forcing) me to write more, there wasn't a lot in it for God or anyone else - all the benefit was to me.  I felt really stupid and now I don't know what to do.

Then I started to wonder what any Lenten benefit achieved should be for;  maybe it's always for our own benefit in the long run?  It was certainly to my own benefit when I gave up smoking.

So I'm back to square one wondering what to do for Lent.  I suppose I could give up chocolate or cake (which I eat very little in any case because of the diabetes), or alcohol (ditto), but I know from past experience that I don't find that at all difficult so it seems a little pointless.

Perhaps I should challenge myself to walk a little farther each day, which would certainly be difficult and painful for me, but there again, the ultimate beneficiary would be myself.

I think I shall just have to force myself to be kinder to John.  I wonder if I can do it!

I'm totally confused and in despair about my e-mail program.

Ever since I got my new PC I've had problems with e-mail programs.

I had used Thunderbird for years without any mishap, but almost as soon as I got the new PC, with Windows 7, Thunderbird decided to play up and threw all my contact addresses away.

After various trials of other e-mail programs, I decided to buy Microsoft Outlook, because John has been using it for years without trouble and he isn't exactly PC or Internet savvy, and because I missed the lovely Outlook Calendar/Diary which wouldn't transfer to Windows 7.

I've used Outlook successfully for several months and had begun to hope my troubles were over, but today it has thrown away my entire inbox, all my folders, my Sent folder and all my contacts.  I suspect it may have something to do with the date, but even trying a Restore point a few days ago hasn't restored the data.

There is a file which tells me it contains a lot of Outlook data and I'm confident this is the address book and maybe also the Inbox, but this file refuses to be accessed except by Outlook which patently is not accessing it.

I'm at my wits'  (and Charles' wits') end.

Have I really got to uninstall and reinstall the program?  And if I do will I ever be able to trust the program again?

I think this has been the worst Christmas ever for me.  My trials have been pretty modest, so I guess I'm lucky that I've good Christmases right up till today.

The worst thing was that C spent most of the day sitting under his own personal thundercloud at the end of the sofa;  I have no idea what was the matter and apparently neither does he.........sigh!  I can't tell you what a horrible effect it had on me - I haven't felt so demoralised and depressed for a very long time.

I had already spent most of a sleepless night trying unsuccessfully to raise some Christmas Spirit in myself. I didn't realise how lucky I was all those years when the joy of Christmas was right there in my heart.   I've no idea what has caused its failure this year; it's not that I don't believe, because I do, it just refused to come to me. I believe some poor souls are inflicted with this "dryness" all their lives, even though they stay faithful, so I must be grateful for all the very happy and holy Christmases I have had.

My state of mind wasn't improved by my dropping a jugful of precious beef gravy all over the kitchen floor, followed later, by the lovely home-made Christmas pudding slipping out of it's string to crash on the floor with thousands of shards of Pyrex embedded in it.  Fortunately I have another one, but we didn't actually eat it, because I had forgotten to make the brandy butter.  We wouldn't have had room for pudding anyway after Charles' excellent game stew, we only just managed small portions of lemon mousse.

John was his ever-cheerful self, thank God and didn't let C's attack of the miseries affect him;  I tried not to let it affect me, but I'm afraid it did.

C cheered up after dinner and insisted I sat with him watching TV and DVDs, when all I wanted to do was go to bed.

I'm utterly shattered now.

It seems really weird to be thinking about making Christmas cake and puddings (which I will be doing just as soon as I feel better from this rotten cold), when it's such a brilliantly sunny and warm day.

It's also John's birthday and fortunately I felt well enough yesterday to do some shopping at Lidl, where I got him a box of chocolates as an interim present.  He actually asked for clothes for birthday and Christmas and we had arranged to go out last Friday to get them, but we were both too ill with this disgusting cold I managed to contract.  I don't know how someone who hardly ever leaves the house can suddenly get a cold which is almost-but-not-quite like 'flu, or how someone like John, who, in all the fifty years I've known him, has had colds the number of which I could count on the fingers of one hand, could manage to catch it from me.  Maybe one's resistance reduces as one ages?

I would like to go out for a trundle in my disability scooter, but I really must stay in and make John's birthday cake.  Chocolate sponge with a filling of whipped cream and liqueur-soaked cherries, I think.  We all deserve a treat, specially Charles, who has been lovely to his poor sick old folks!

Finally got around to writing again, thanks to my lovely sister who sent me a dig in the ribs just when I needed it.

Toay I've written 1147 words of a totally new chapter which will come quite a way after the place I had got to when Iliterally lost the plot.  I plan to go on from here and go back to the difficult bit at a later dat. 

I haven't posted for ages, but I'm busy trying to configure my new PC and the system to operate the way I like it.  So far the PC is winning!

I've managed to keep my temper so far, though.

My new PC came today.

I had been dreading it, because of all the installations of programs I needed to do, but it's actually been fairly easy, although I'm a long way from finished.

Charles and I were absolutely disgusted because the computer company installed a different WiFi adapter  to the one I'd ordered and the blummin' thing didn't work.  Charlesexchanged the WiFi adapter for the one out of my old computer which works perfectly.

So now I've got to waste time complaining and asking for refunds and so forth.  If they want the old adapter back, they'll have to send for it or refund the postage.

Windows 7 seems to be quite good.

Thank Heavens!   I finally found my precious notebook which has been missing since The Great Carpet Laying of Friday in my room.

It has all my writing notes in it and a lot of first drafts of poems and I felt absolutely bereft without it.  I wondered how I could possibly go to my writing class on Thursday without  it in my bag

I decided to forget about it until tomorrow, and while I was watching the news, it just popped into my head that there was a box of stuff I hadn't yet found, so I looked in the Office/Study and there it was.  

I plan to sleep with it beneath my pillow!

In the meantime, I am very pleased with my lovely new blue carpet and am hoping the last little bits will be finished tomorrow or Tuesday.

I'm quite proud of the fact that I haven't yet thrown this $£***X printer out of the window.  Can anyone suggest a good cheapish colour printer which is NOT AN EPSON ?

Also posted to theladiesloos

I really think I must be going mad!  Good news appears to make me ill!

Today I heard from the Pension Service that I'm entitled to a higher payment of State Pension than I currently receive.  I remembered that they had sent me a form a couple of months ago asking about the period when I received Child Benefit, and apparently they have decided that I should be receiving more State Pension than I currently get.  Not only that, but they owe it to me for the period fron April 1978 to April 1991, so are going to send me a lump sum, for which I shall be very grateful indeed.

The lump sum will pay for new hall and stair carpet and a carpet in my own room which I really need because it has been very draughty and not awfully good for my arthritis since I took up the old horrid carpet in despair a couple of years ago.

Not only that but the increased weekly amount will cover the amount recently lost on John's pension for some esoteric piece of insurance law that neither of us understand but which appears to be perfectly legal.

There will still be a nice little amount left over. so I shall keep that in the bank for future emergencies, and it will make me feel a great deal more comfortable to know that I have a little cushion against disaster.

The silly thing is that ever since I opened the letter, I have been feeling quite ill from the shock of it, and nothing I can do will slow down my heart or improve my breathing.  It does seem to be improving gradually of its own accord, so maybe it will be OK by the time I want to go to sleep.

I am very thankful, though and have said so to the One who matters.